Thursday 23rd April 2015
Day 1 – Dose 1 Paper acid 1/16th
The clouds are doing that 5pm autumn thing, streaking purples and blues across the mountain ranges as I read articles about James Fadiman and the microdosing movement in America.
As the day fades I’m pretty sure a new dawn is coming : microdosing Lysergic acid diethylamide (L.S.D.) in a medicinal way for performance and mood enhancement rather than recreational for ‘trippn out’. This is my own understanding of it anyways, here’s some articles for more education.
“When researchers isolate heart cells on a Petri dish, the cells bounce to their own idiosyncratic rhythms. But placed beside one another, they self-organize into a collective beat.“
So we are going to try it.
Together, one day on, one day off, for two weeks.
We will go about our daily lives, whether we are around each other or apart, work, eat, exercise, sleep a full night etc.
And talk about it, and observe.
I will write about it here and if it’s worth it I’ll share it somewhere and perhaps we can unlock new ways to use tools that have been limited for too long.
We are myself, 35, female, and Jake, 30, male, we are not a couple and live together with others. Jake occasionally takes acid recreationally, but I don’t really, maybe once every couple of years.
Let me also state that we don’t suffer from major ailments or afflictions. Jake has struggled with anxiety in the past, but both of us are very functional, if perhaps with a bit of manic energy fuelling our day to day existence. We are not experimenting with this due to ‘depression’ or PTSD.
This morning we cut a tab of acid into 16 tiny pieces on a plate with a Stanley knife on our kitchen island at around 10:30am after I had gone for a morning dog walk and with second coffee of the day.
And I don’t know if it’s placebo effect, but I’m in a great mood today. We have both been home all day, the mood around here has generally been – up.
Not manic, or worrying about later things, dealing with things as they come up. Productive, making phone calls, typing emails and invoices, things feel direct somehow, as if there is clarity of action.
Even typing now, I can somehow see myself as more of an integrated being, a machine made to do things elegantly like type, even if it is at lightning speed with two fingers….
Also today I’m not emotional, not dwelling on anything. Potential dates have communicated with me, I have responded and let go, and gone on with my day. Perhaps I am less attached to outcomes? I feel positive, optimistic.
I have eaten well, walked my dog in the afternoon and feel my wit is super sharp. Sat at the computer today, working. Made the tradie laugh when he was here to fix the front door. Felt good in my body. Played on kids equipment at the park, whizzing around when I might have just stood there usually.
I felt present in the moment, not worrying. Doing things systematically but enjoying them. Had a moment walking when I couldn’t get the right words out, but laughed it off.
Felt sexy. When that cute guy on the street wearing overalls talked to my dog, I felt his eyes, a palpable energy. I don’t feel as much need to consume, food, smoke, anything. Well it’s day 1…..on what could be a long and interesting journey.
Day 2 – No Dose
Levels of anxiety and irritation seem high today. Bubbling under the surface, feeling again as if everyone wants a piece of me. Triggered by messages from some underage kid who thinks they are invited to our party tommorrow. Impending nervousness at my date today, at my party tomorrow, rather than impending glee at maybe having some male attention and gathering with all my friends to get loose. Heading out there and will shake this off. Report back later.
Report : Shook it off. Had a good date. Left make up on his face when we met, whoops! Went to work, it dragged. Came home le tired, went to bed at one am and slept well.
Day 3 – Dose 2
Good morning grey Melbourne rain. I wont deny that we were excited for day two of dose today. Took it at 10:30am again, with coffee after breakfast.
Then spent the day doing chores for our housewarming party tonight, with a bit more giggles and a bit less irritation than I felt yesterday. Loving the weather though it makes our wet firewood and fire drum idea kind of redundant. Optimistic about the party tonight. I think I have less appetite, still waiting till 4:20 to smoke so no difference there.
Got dressed in a great outfit today without thinking about it, all greys, pinks and purples with pearls and silver earring that tinkle when I move my head. Satisfying, yes!
Productive once again, without feeling guilty or nervous I’m not addressing all that ‘needs addressing’ or whatever. I have let go somehow.
Do I really think like that? Weird.
I felt removed from the manic-ness, or like it’s just a handy part of me that gets things done.
Okay, time for a shower and the donning of the sequins. Time to turn on the sparkly lights and pour a glass of wine.
Not drinking much at all lately, bored of drinking for the sake of it, and now making it only for special occasions. Though I have earned whatever I want tonight.
Also more typos and dyslexic swaps of letters in this as I type this, but possibly impatient. (no change there haha) Over and out.
Day 4 – No dose
Recovering from house party, hardly any sleep. Totally and utterly hate booze and how it makes me feel. Felt sick last night and wiped out emotionally today. Cleaned up the house, sticky bottles and cigarette butts everywhere, but no broken glasses, quite civilised really.
Then spent the afternoon eating junk food, streaming Netflix episodes over & over & answering the door to people who forgot things or are picking up music equipment.
Bed early, where I had vivid dreams that I promptly forgot in the morning.
Day 5 – Dose 3
Still recovering obviously, woke feeling irritated with the world and my housemates. Got up and ready, left them a note and came back from a morning walk with a friend at the river to a flurry of activity at the house. We made it nice together. Spent the day hanging in the backyard even though it was really too cold, talking shit with others, doing sweet fuck all, and feeling okay about it. Had a cry moment but it passed like clouds over the sun, internally telling myself ‘its only today, let it all be today”
Day 6 – no dose
Woke up feeling as if things should be better today regardless. It really does take two days to recover from a night of partying in your mid thirties. Slight anxiety at going to the dentist, and shock at the coldness of the air, but both were dealt with fine and by midday I was back at the computer trying to find ‘wins’ and sense and meaning in a world of freelancing. Tuesday fun right?
Tradie came over to replace the oven, only the 5567th thing wrong with the majestic-as-fuck palace that we are so blessed with. We moved in a month ago and it has been a constant list of things to get fixed in the house. I still feel blessed, I will not let the constant flow of tradies leaving muddy footprints on the rugs and uncovering gross ugly dingy parts of the house that haven’t seen the light of day in ten years to me in horror, break me. It aint my house or mess guys! I’m just the new tenant! I helped him change the oven over, all good.
But still a growing level of anxiety and hopelessness today, as if nothing I’m doing is right and working out. This feeling is not associated with any one thing, not a man, not a situation, just a bubbling of extra nervous energy, frustration that comes.
Jake calls at 3pm, freaking out on the phone. Feels the same way, sucked of energy by vampires in the street and manic as hell trying to work it out. He arrives home, really upset at the world, we talk at each other about how crappy we are feeling for a few minutes and realize the heater isn’t working, go outside to find it off since the oven was replaced and gas lines were switched off. We try in vain, but have no idea how to light the pilot, and have had problems with the heater since we moved in. No heating again!
I lose it, kicking it, walk inside in a huff directed at heater, tradies, universe, everything, and Jake asks ‘do you want a hug’ and my initial thought is ‘i’ll punch him if he hugs me now’ to which I reply ‘ no, I’m actually wanting to go ARGGHHH right now” with a controlled outburst mimicing that feeling ……
He stares right at me and replies ‘let’s do it then’.
Both of us instantly SCREEAAAAMMM and grunt and yell and stamp our feet for about 15 seconds with all our might, completely let RIP, then break it simultaneously to grab each other in a tight hug and laugh really hard for twice as long, our bellies contracting against each other. I have a headache from it, my throat hurt, my body was tensed so much briefly, then released, it was a complete re-set.
A turn this off and turn it on button, but for our own realities…the story we were each perpetuating all day long.
Something has released afterwards. I am exhausted, all screamed out. So is he. We both calm down.
We proceed to talk in the loungeroom about processes, letting go, outside influences, and everything. I take him through some pros and cons lists and drawings of the important areas in his life.
I remember what I am good at by doing this. The world calms down. The sun sets on another day.
But something has shifted.
I have never been able to do that sort of ‘crazy’ with another person. Well I have, but it has never had a good ending. ‘Crazy banshee’ has had to come out directed at people, men who wont leave my house, who are manipulating me, for example, but it has never just come out in someones’ company and been allowed.
And it has never been accepted. It certainly has never been met in the middle, and then worked through BY ME.
I have in the past, been at the mercy of these feelings. I am getting better at recognising them.
Perhaps that is the work that happens now, not the external stuff like business logos and packages and coaching and browsing for random arts jobs I don’t even know I want (tempting at times when the threat of NO EVENTS AHEAD looms like storm clouds on your utopian freelance existence). But the internal self-talk limiting belief self-clearing work that everyone is going to courses and coaches to do… I am doing it now, in my new house, with dog and cat as witness and Jake often as a mirror.
I wont deny I am looking forward to the dose tomorrow.
Day 7 – Dose 4
Today something has shifted, lifted. Walked the dog and did 30 rounds of boxing and plyometrics in the shed. From a freezing morning the sun comes out and afterwards I allow myself an hour in the sun, flicking through my phone & enjoying it on my face.
Went and had lunch with a friend on Sydney Rd, fortuitous running into the date from Friday, we are meeting tomorrow night for dinner. After I walk through Barkley Square, having good interactions with JB Hi Fi staff and feeling as if people are looking at me differently, I realize I am actually just in a suit jacket & combat boots, with purple hair striding around looking others in the face and perhaps that’s why.
I feel hot today. Sexy. Purposeful.
Still not much work on the horizon, and while usually that brings a sense of unease, today it is more about enjoying this down time and knowing that it’s around the corner. I buy some things for the house, a heater for my room, and don’t worry about the money going out today.
Day 8 – No dose
Sick, sick, sick. I have a cold from all the rushing and the doing of things. I walk the dog with a friend and spend the rest of the day on the couch, dosing with ginger and honey and lemon and olive leaf extract instead. I’m ok with this, strangely enough.
Day 9 – Dose 5
Walked the dogs with a friend, still sick. Head feels full of heaviness and I resign myself to another day at home, in the sun, on the couch, in the backyard.
Feeling less attached to outcomes again. Date cancelled last night & didn’t respond when I said I was feeling unwell, I write him off in my mind and actually don’t care. No animosity, no self doubt, no lingering what ifs and wonderings. Just another potential connection that isn’t going to be. All good!
I dust myself off and arrange another date for next week. This is exactly the work I was set as homework by my ‘guides’, to have dates, to ask for dates, and go on them with an open heart and not be attached to the outcome. Date from two nights ago hasn’t messaged, I have no desire to chase him. I am worth texting, calling, visiting, making second dates with, I know this.
Like, actually KNOW it, not just intellectually but at a cellular level. Had a moment this morning where I felt so LUCKY that I’m not currently with the wrong guy, better to be alone and safe and confident in my abundant life than let anyone wreck that. Feeling a deep contentment the last two days with my own thoughts. With my own company.
Since not drinking much, food guilt is pretty much gone. Put up a post about being over nightclubs and got huge response, seems I’m not the only one looking for different ways to connect with people now. So it seems none of these dates has really worked out and I have no big projects looming on the horizon to stress about/get excited about. But somehow, this is all ok.
Jake and I meet in the afternoon to discuss how we are less attached to outcomes. We agree we can tune into the acid energy, consciously tap into that trippy place at moments during the day if we want to.
Generally on dose days, our mood is higher.
Jake thinks his words flow more when he is microdosing.
We agree our emotional state is more level, less attachment to future and past, living in the moment more.
“As soon as I take it, I can feel it course through my body, from my mouth to ears, down my neck, across my arms through to my fingertips and down my legs. And then I am just like….happier. and then I’m more focused too.” – Jake
Doing things one step at a time.
A widening of periphery vision, being able to see forward but not have to focus on it.
Extreme blissful gratitude and satisfaction moments for both of us, perhaps from focusing more on the now instead of the outcome.
Also dreaming vivid dreams, but with hardly any recollection of them. This happens on a few of the nights, we know they are vivid but can’t recall them.
We discuss the culmulative effect of acid, so we have had around 1/3 of a tab each over a 9 day period, and that on no dose days we seem to have a different way of doing things, or it has an effect on our decision making.
For those of us who are too determined (like me), it might allow room to stay home instead of going into the city to a protest when you are sick, because you really need to. And for those of us who have trouble with routine (like Jake), it might allow for enough discipline to clean your room and do washing and dishes before you lounge on the couch all night, so it works both ways. Amazing!
The ripple effect….because things are generally better, and easier, I am manifesting more easier, better, positive things in the world around me, in my reality, increasing the vibration of pretty much everything. Making it easier to tap into the divine positive now, means we reprogram the way we process Things That Happen To Us. Feels as if we are on the edge of a breakthrough, we are discovering more about ourselves and the fact that your REALITY is everything, there is no point worrying about outcomes.
This feels big today, and important, and as if I’m poised on a precipice of understanding. This work is exciting.
Day 10 – no dose
Spent the day at home alone again. Still sick and trying to be ok with that. Went to the farmers market with my dog in the morning, bought a loaf of bread the size of my head & some punnets of strawberries. Buy some more herbs to plant in the garden. Made seriously medicinal pumpkin soup, so much ginger, chilli, garlic and tumeric I nearly couldn’t eat it, it burns a trail down my throat and I soak it up with bread to combat the heat. I listen to the radio, chat to people online. Then as I stir the soup and snack on cheese, an idea for a fake love affair overtakes me and I write a funny piece, record me saying it on the computer, then cant work out how to upload it. I don’t let the tech problems dissuade me, this is my life’s work and it will work itself out when it’s ready. I am quite content with my company today, which is good because it’s all me baby!
Day 11 – dose 6
Day 4 of being sick in the house alone. It’s Sunday and I fight a growing feeling of boredom and dissatisfaction, creeping edges of depression and sadness till I invite Jamie over and we sit in the backyard in the sunshine with our dogs and a colouring book. Really tired of not being able to breathe well and wondering if this experiment is having any effect at all. And it’s a dose day!
Day 12 – no dose
Woke up today feeling better, I can breathe yay! Jake came home and has fucked his arm working so the day is filled with doctors appointments and getting things at the house in order. He isn’t sure if he pushed himself too hard because of dosing or not. But his arm is fucked.
Finally filmed myself doing spoken word and uploaded, feels good to put it out there. Letting my expression go out into the world, and making it happen, is something I have put off for a while. It ends up being easy, why didn’t I do this sooner? Also sent a message to a friend who runs guided Ayahuasaca ceremonies in Peru and told him of this experiment, he puts me in touch with some other people who know Fadiman and they affirm that we should be doing 1/20th to 1/10th of a normal dose.
I go to bed early tonight after a searing hot bath with Epsom salts, everyone in our house is locked away in dark rooms by ten pm and we sleep to the sound of rain hitting the roof.
Day 13 – dose 7
Today we took the last pieces of one single tab that has seen us through the last two weeks.
One thing I am sure of, I have enjoyed taking one trip over two weeks more than I would have if taken all at once. Today I double dose, and Jake single doses. It’s grey and whooshy outside, and there is a lot to do today but gladly my energy levels are back at reasonably high again after days of being sick.
The rain comes in sideways, and I decide to try and find James Fadiman on Facebook. He features in any article about microdosing, and was literally poised to begin conducting clinical trials when ‘they’ outlawed LSD as a Class A drug back in the sixties. He has been quietly talking about microdosing ever since.
Every person is only a click away now, and he responds to my friend request and we immediately begin a discourse that ends in him reading all the other words on my blog and telling me they are ‘powerful’ and that he’s ‘already a fan’. I proceed to email him this diary, which he is ‘delighted’ with. There are a growing number of people doing this and submitting their results and James is collecting them to write a book. In a few days it’s gone from reading articles about this guy, to buying his book from Amazon, to emails from him to join his study and being a fan of me?!!
If nothing else, microdosing has manifested a directly AMAZING thing in my life that is encouraging me to observe my own behaviour on a daily basis, self reflect and then write about it.
I’m still waiting for his book from Amazon (booring) but part of the reprogram is learning to fast track the regular ways of doing things..!
It’s been two weeks of microdosing and my conclusions are thus :
- Life should be lived in the moment, and its much more pleasurable when we focus on that rather than five minutes from now or what happened yesterday
- My body is an integrated machine capable of many things, astounding really, and now and then it will fall sick, and it is my job to allow it time out even if that means staying home alone for five days eating horrible soup.
- I am an incredibly sexy, spunky individual and I project a vibe that says so, out into the world when I’m feeling good.
- There are small glorious moments in every day, in every reality, and it it up to us to acknowledge them truly and fully.
- We are the product of our own thoughts, each second. We have the ability to create our own world and the way we see things is ALL subjective.
- The ‘crazy banshee’ energy is NOT BAD. She has a place, and she is part of me. The right people to work with, and be in relationships with, will not only recognise this but help me to embrace it. They will not run away in fear when she raises her head. I realised last year she gets things done, moving faster when perhaps things are stagnant, she DEMANDS change. This energy is USEFUL and not to be ashamed of, just harnessed and channeled.
- I believe there are benefits worth exploring from microdosing for those of us who are able to do it in a controlled manner. There are many other methods and tools at our disposal that are effective and worth experimenting with than the ones we are permitted to play with. It is up to us to go where big pharma and western medicine is not willing to go, and to give it a voice. I am not stopping anytime soon and would be willing to talk, speak, share, write and explore all of these concepts more with others coming from an inquisitive yet serious and self exploratory angle on this.
“In the scientific world, “fear” is usually called “skepticism.”― James Fadiman
Thankyou for reading…Round two of experiments begins in two days.
Feel free to contact me for more info or for updates!